Just minutes after the Shakespearean DWI oration below this case was put on my desk. This is how the night played out for our defendant:
10:30: arrived at the club.
10:30 - 2:30: chillin up in the club, bottle full of bub.
2:30: kicked out of club for pulling out marijuana and smoking in the middle of the club.
2:32: threatened to go to car and get gun and shoot bouncer for getting kicked out of club, denial of any wrongdoing.
2:34: instructed by bouncer to take a cab home, told specifically not to drive.
3:00: attempted to gain reentry into the club, cab called by the bouncers, but not used.
3:15: sent cab home, started another fight with bouncer, got in car
3:15: bouncers call cops
3:25: cops arrive on scene, def still in car unable to figure out how to turn it on.
3:30: cops instruct def to take cab home. def impolitely declines.
3:31: as cops walk over to talk to bouncer, def manages to get car started and pulls out of parking lot.
3:32: police pull over defendant.
3:35: def refused to blow correctly into the field intoxilizer unit, so taken to precinct.
4:15 def blows .214 at the precinct. Arresting officer states, "Sir, we told you not to drive, you did anyway, now we have to arrest you" reads Miranda rights. Def responds "Officers, in my opinion I am not drunk, at least not too drunk to drive. I called my girlfriend and she wouldn't come get me. I called a cab. I'm not drunk, I wouldn't drive if I was."
4:16 Arresting officer alerts def to the fact that has blown nearly 3 times the legal limit for intoxication, to which the def replies "You'll pay for this because God doesn't like ugly people. Go suck your mother while she's on the clot. I didn't fail no fucking blow test. You're only doing this because I'm black, you racist white bitch. You white devil."
The officer replies with, "as you can see by the fact that he's standing next to me, my partner is black."
The def comes back with "He's only going along with you because you're his boss and he is afraid."
So there you have it, another innocent clubgoer is a victim of a cruel NYPD conspiracy to harass sober, innocent people. And any sober person would clearly articulate that while still referencing a cops mother on the clot.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
I couldn't make this up
During a routine DWI check-point stop, an officer observed that one driver was having trouble getting words out and had a strong odor of alcohol. He asked the man if he had been drinking, this is his response:
"Yes I'm drunk. What, you don't drink?"
He blew a .19, 2 hours later. I'll say this, the guy has some stones for actually saying this to the cop who is attempting to determine whether or not to arrest him for a DWI.
"Yes I'm drunk. What, you don't drink?"
He blew a .19, 2 hours later. I'll say this, the guy has some stones for actually saying this to the cop who is attempting to determine whether or not to arrest him for a DWI.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
More than 50% of my section of the DA's office are guys. And though we all hail from various parts of the country (Philly, NYC, Denver, LA, Buffalo, Boston, Chicago) there is one thing that can unite us. And really, it doesn't matter where you are from, it can unite guys (and girls to some extent) pretty much anywhere in the office (drinking normally does this, but in the office that gets risky...but more about that in another post).
I am speaking, of course, about sports trash talking.
Baseball season ended not too long ago. But from when I started here in late July until the end of October not a single day went past without some form of baseball news, taunting, speculation, analysis, etc. Now, these were benign for the most part, mere discussions about a team or certain player's prospects but on days when our respective clubs would play, shenanigans ensued.
I am a Phillies fan, during baseball season I bleed pinstripe red and white, I would happily sell my best friend into a year of indentured servitude for a World Series Championship. There are multiple Mets fans in the office. Fans of any Philadelphia sports team have a certain reputation for being...we'll say spirited more so than the average enthusiast. Naturally, being the only Phillies fan i felt the need to compensate by also being loud enough to counteract the disparity in numbers.
One of my boss' boss is a huge Mets fan, lives and dies at Shea. Soon after I started my tenure at the DA's office, the Phillies and the Mets had a series. The Phillies took game one, I let him know I was pleased about it. The Phillies eked out game two, I chalked it up to luck and let him think that I wasn't gonna give him a hard time about it. Inside I was hoping and praying for...the Phillies took game 3 and swept the division leading Mets. I got to work early the next day and took the broom that had been sitting in my cubical since before I even starting working and proceeded to print out a Phillies logo (taped to the top of broom handle) and a Mets logo, placed under the broom, and left this on his chair. That was the last time he used my name. Since then he has referred to me as "the INSERT WHATEVER PHILADELPHIA TEAM IS PLAYING THIS SEASON fan". It was "the Phillies fan", then "the Eagles fan", now normally its "the Flyers fan". He hasn't said my name in so long that I truly believe he has forgotten it and is very thankful that I respond to whatever he shouts.
That was just one story, here are some notable clips from the office:
One Yankee fan brings in a giant Yankees logo and prints out a Mets logo. He then positions the two in such a way that the Mets logo is completely within the shadow of the Yankees logo.
I printed out a rap sheet for Darryl Strawberry and taped it to all the Mets fans' doors.
One of the ADAs wore a Josh Beckett jersey over his suit to close right after the world series victory. He was held in contempt of court for 2 hours due to his refusal to remove it.
After the Phillies were swept by the Rockies in the first round of the playoffs, one of the ADAs took one of those "What To Do In Case You Or Someone Around You Is Choking" signs and thumb tacked it in my office with a note that inquired as to whether anyone would be performing the Heimlich on the Phillies.
I printed out a bunch of pictures of Steve Phillips and labeled them all "GM of the Millennium" and strategically hid them where they would be found over the course of time by the Mets fans.
There are many more, and we haven't even begun to talk about the Giants, Eagles, Jets, Vikings, Bears, Dolphins, Broncos trash talking. But I'm being summoned so that will have to wait.
I am speaking, of course, about sports trash talking.
Baseball season ended not too long ago. But from when I started here in late July until the end of October not a single day went past without some form of baseball news, taunting, speculation, analysis, etc. Now, these were benign for the most part, mere discussions about a team or certain player's prospects but on days when our respective clubs would play, shenanigans ensued.
I am a Phillies fan, during baseball season I bleed pinstripe red and white, I would happily sell my best friend into a year of indentured servitude for a World Series Championship. There are multiple Mets fans in the office. Fans of any Philadelphia sports team have a certain reputation for being...we'll say spirited more so than the average enthusiast. Naturally, being the only Phillies fan i felt the need to compensate by also being loud enough to counteract the disparity in numbers.
One of my boss' boss is a huge Mets fan, lives and dies at Shea. Soon after I started my tenure at the DA's office, the Phillies and the Mets had a series. The Phillies took game one, I let him know I was pleased about it. The Phillies eked out game two, I chalked it up to luck and let him think that I wasn't gonna give him a hard time about it. Inside I was hoping and praying for...the Phillies took game 3 and swept the division leading Mets. I got to work early the next day and took the broom that had been sitting in my cubical since before I even starting working and proceeded to print out a Phillies logo (taped to the top of broom handle) and a Mets logo, placed under the broom, and left this on his chair. That was the last time he used my name. Since then he has referred to me as "the INSERT WHATEVER PHILADELPHIA TEAM IS PLAYING THIS SEASON fan". It was "the Phillies fan", then "the Eagles fan", now normally its "the Flyers fan". He hasn't said my name in so long that I truly believe he has forgotten it and is very thankful that I respond to whatever he shouts.
That was just one story, here are some notable clips from the office:
One Yankee fan brings in a giant Yankees logo and prints out a Mets logo. He then positions the two in such a way that the Mets logo is completely within the shadow of the Yankees logo.
I printed out a rap sheet for Darryl Strawberry and taped it to all the Mets fans' doors.
One of the ADAs wore a Josh Beckett jersey over his suit to close right after the world series victory. He was held in contempt of court for 2 hours due to his refusal to remove it.
After the Phillies were swept by the Rockies in the first round of the playoffs, one of the ADAs took one of those "What To Do In Case You Or Someone Around You Is Choking" signs and thumb tacked it in my office with a note that inquired as to whether anyone would be performing the Heimlich on the Phillies.
I printed out a bunch of pictures of Steve Phillips and labeled them all "GM of the Millennium" and strategically hid them where they would be found over the course of time by the Mets fans.
There are many more, and we haven't even begun to talk about the Giants, Eagles, Jets, Vikings, Bears, Dolphins, Broncos trash talking. But I'm being summoned so that will have to wait.
Starting Off With A Bang
I am not an ADA, I am a paralegal, unfortunate for me, but fortunate for you. I see hundreds more cases than each individual ADA because I work under 16 of them. Generally they will leave cases on my desk that need work done either after I leave at night or before they leave in the morning.
When I first started working this job it wasn't easy to come in every morning and see a pile on my desk, I realize that a lot of jobs are like this, but I preferred to be handed it bit by bit so that I always felt like I was almost done instead of feeling like I was starting behind. No longer. I have actually started reading the cases.
I was met with this gem this morning...
The defendents are charged with filing a false police report, this is what they did.
Defs 1 & 2 are boyfriend/girlfriend, and the "victim" is the current boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Def 2 told Def 1 that Def 1's ex had sent her an email outlining the strenuous beating that Def 2 would receive if she were to conceive a child with Def 1. Naturally Def 1 felt that he had to protect his lady and went down to the police station to lodge a formal complaint. He recounted to the Officer On Duty all the violent threats his girlfriend had received through email, gave the officer the email address in question, and returned home and assured his girlfriend that everything would be fine.
Apparently the dilligent officers of that precinct take computer crimes pretty seriously because instead of just taking everything our Def said at face value and arresting the ex for menacing (the charges that would likely occur), they actually did some police work. It took all of one phone call to yahoo to discover that the email address in question was created that very day and to what IP address it was registered. One more quick phone call to verizon alerted them to the fact that the IP address was the Def's very own computer. The Officer On Duty was very confused about this and decided to head down to the boyfriend/girlfriend's residence to settle things (in actuality it was the mother of the boy's residence, he was living with his mother, and his girlfriend...awkward).
So when the police arrived, Def 2 is a bit confused but Def 1 is petrified and bolts, he is quickly apprehended and taken to the station where he breaks down and confesses that he did, in fact, create the email address and send an email to Def 2 but it was Def 2's idea. Def 2, he claimed, hated his ex and wanted to get her in trouble so she convinced him to do this and report it.
Naturally, Def 2 denied any and all knowledge of this.
Meanwhile (and this is really the best part), the "victim" here, instead of being outraged that she's been drawn into this debacle (which i feel would be a pretty standard response), she has chosen to view this as a way for Def 1 to try to get her attention because he really does miss her and they're destined to be together (the last time they met they apparently had a screaming match at the local grocery store whey they both indicated that they hoped they never spoke again). I wish them the best.
Def 1 & 2's relationship is currently on the rocks.
Conclusion: this guy is either an absolute girl-switching genius or just beyond stupid. I'm no Hercule Poirot but I just cannot fathom that he saw these events unfold beforehand. If, in fact, he did not do this to try to reach out to his long lost love (which seems unlikely in my book) then why the hell did any of this happen? This seems to be a totally random crime. Admittedly, none of us on the outside really know the intricate details of what transpired to set these events in motion, but from what I'm reading on my synopsis sheet, it looks basically like this guy created an email address, sent a threatening email to his own girlfriend, signed his ex's name, reported it to the cops, was discovered, tried to run God knows where, tried to shift the blame, and is now facing a pretty sizeable fine which I'm sure he'll try to get his ex to split with him. Wouldn't be surprised to see this guys name on another file coming through here real soon.
And this was just the first case put on my desk today. More to come.
When I first started working this job it wasn't easy to come in every morning and see a pile on my desk, I realize that a lot of jobs are like this, but I preferred to be handed it bit by bit so that I always felt like I was almost done instead of feeling like I was starting behind. No longer. I have actually started reading the cases.
I was met with this gem this morning...
The defendents are charged with filing a false police report, this is what they did.
Defs 1 & 2 are boyfriend/girlfriend, and the "victim" is the current boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Def 2 told Def 1 that Def 1's ex had sent her an email outlining the strenuous beating that Def 2 would receive if she were to conceive a child with Def 1. Naturally Def 1 felt that he had to protect his lady and went down to the police station to lodge a formal complaint. He recounted to the Officer On Duty all the violent threats his girlfriend had received through email, gave the officer the email address in question, and returned home and assured his girlfriend that everything would be fine.
Apparently the dilligent officers of that precinct take computer crimes pretty seriously because instead of just taking everything our Def said at face value and arresting the ex for menacing (the charges that would likely occur), they actually did some police work. It took all of one phone call to yahoo to discover that the email address in question was created that very day and to what IP address it was registered. One more quick phone call to verizon alerted them to the fact that the IP address was the Def's very own computer. The Officer On Duty was very confused about this and decided to head down to the boyfriend/girlfriend's residence to settle things (in actuality it was the mother of the boy's residence, he was living with his mother, and his girlfriend...awkward).
So when the police arrived, Def 2 is a bit confused but Def 1 is petrified and bolts, he is quickly apprehended and taken to the station where he breaks down and confesses that he did, in fact, create the email address and send an email to Def 2 but it was Def 2's idea. Def 2, he claimed, hated his ex and wanted to get her in trouble so she convinced him to do this and report it.
Naturally, Def 2 denied any and all knowledge of this.
Meanwhile (and this is really the best part), the "victim" here, instead of being outraged that she's been drawn into this debacle (which i feel would be a pretty standard response), she has chosen to view this as a way for Def 1 to try to get her attention because he really does miss her and they're destined to be together (the last time they met they apparently had a screaming match at the local grocery store whey they both indicated that they hoped they never spoke again). I wish them the best.
Def 1 & 2's relationship is currently on the rocks.
Conclusion: this guy is either an absolute girl-switching genius or just beyond stupid. I'm no Hercule Poirot but I just cannot fathom that he saw these events unfold beforehand. If, in fact, he did not do this to try to reach out to his long lost love (which seems unlikely in my book) then why the hell did any of this happen? This seems to be a totally random crime. Admittedly, none of us on the outside really know the intricate details of what transpired to set these events in motion, but from what I'm reading on my synopsis sheet, it looks basically like this guy created an email address, sent a threatening email to his own girlfriend, signed his ex's name, reported it to the cops, was discovered, tried to run God knows where, tried to shift the blame, and is now facing a pretty sizeable fine which I'm sure he'll try to get his ex to split with him. Wouldn't be surprised to see this guys name on another file coming through here real soon.
And this was just the first case put on my desk today. More to come.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Introduction
I'll kickoff this whole shebang with a very short introduction, not because I don't fancy myself as an interesting person, but rather because I am lazy. I work for the government, you're going to learn, if you haven't already, that laziness is a fairly common attribute amongst our kind. My name is Paul, and I work for the District Attorney's Office in Urban Center, USA. In order for you to get to know me, I googled "20 question survey" and am posting the first legitimate response (the actual first one dealt specifically with certain types of fauna and my knowledge thereof, which is none)
The Basics
Full Name - Paul
You like it? - It's better than Bilsky, I guess.
Birthdate - March 7, 1984. That makes me legal to anything and everything that government has posed an age restriction on except rent a car and collect social security.
Height/Weight - 5'9" 160. Imposing, I know.
Eye Color - blue
Hair Color - brown
(at this point I'm just gonna stop telling the truth because the truth is boring, there will be plenty of time for the truth later)
Can you...
Drive? - I'm licensed to fly prop planes and snowmobiles in the state of Vermont.
Drive a manual? - If i can read it, I can surely drive it. So my answer is no.
Touch your nose with your tongue? - It has always bothered me that this question has been asked with such frequency. Of all the asinine things that people can do, why did this become popular? Why not ask if i can lick my elbow? or flip my eyelids over? or fold my tongue over. NO, I CANNOT TOUCH MY NOSE WITH MY TONGUE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M OKAY WITH IT.
Cook? - I'm still alive, so I must be doing something right.
Dance? - depends on the amount of liquid courage flowing through my system
Sing? - refer to question about dance
Sew? - the Y chromosome precludes me from this ability
Speak another language? - 6, actually.
Have you ever...
Eaten sushi? - does it count if it was cooked?
Been in love? - I once owned a 1987 Suzuki Samuri, closest thing to love I've ever felt. Just kidding, yeah I have.
Skipped school? - I think the fact that I now work for the government instead of the private sector should answer that
Made prank calls? - this question should be changed to "gone through maturity as a boy?"
Done illegal drugs? - oooohhh you almost got me, I work for the prosecution and you want me to admit to doing illicit and illegal substances...nice try. I plead the 5th.
Stolen something worth more than ? - what is worth more than a question mark? I once took a penny from the give-a-penny, take-a-penny thing, technically i guess that's stealing a penny and I'm gonna say that's worth more than a ?, so I guess you got this civil servant to admit to wrongdoing after all, congrats.
Flashed someone? - I went to college for 4 years.
Been drunk? - I went to high school for 4 years, and college for 4 years and am not in a cult.
Eaten squid? - excuse me? This survey sucks, I apologize, but I'm too lazy to get a different one, so you're stuck.
Been to New York City? - I try to avoid it at all costs, which hasn't been working out too well for me recently.
Been to London? - I once tried to invade London, you might've read about it in the news, I was the 4th wheel in the original axis of evil, Latvia. You never saw me coming.
Favorite
Drink - the sweat of the yeti, it sustains me.
Soda - Dr. Rocket, the poor mans Mr. Pibb, which is a poor mans Dr. Pepper
Food - Squid, oh the irony.
Restaurant - anything involving street meat, at least I'm in the right place for that.
Color - I see a red door and I want it painted black.
Artist - INXS
Album - Big Willie Style
Website - mulletsgallore.com
The Last
Person to hit you - My boss, but he said he was sorry.
Person you wanted to hit - My boss, but he's bigger than I am.
Person you hugged - My boss, after he hit me, believe me, the office politics here are insane.
Person you kissed - my b.....onward.
Person you wanted to kiss you - ALF
Country you've been in - the last country I've been in? I'm gonna have to say the USA
Car you've driven - 72 deuce.
Law you've broken - Technically it's against the law for me to waste the governments time by writing these posts while I'm at work... so there's 2 things you can blackmail me for now.
Thing you ate - i had squid for lunch today.
Thing you drank - Fresh outta yeti juice so I had some gypsy tears with my squid
Thing you said - "Hey (ADAs name), at least my QB didn't get the 3 pick 6's yesterday..." (then he hit me, see above)
Book you read - the Urban Center penal code
Show you watched - I watched some guy during a DWI pull over try to walk a line and I'll tell you, it's better than a good 70% of the sitcoms out there.
So that's my survey, now that we're good friends, tomorrow I'll give you some insight into the office, and regale some of the fascinating things people have done to get themselves arrested. I also want this site to serve as a sort of medium for ideas. My job can get incredibly frustrating because I deal almost exclusively with government employees. Naturally these people aren't the sharpest or they'd be earning 3 times their salary in the private sector so I will update you on some of the things that happen there as well as post any stories I deem funny/interesting enough that are sent to me.
The Basics
Full Name - Paul
You like it? - It's better than Bilsky, I guess.
Birthdate - March 7, 1984. That makes me legal to anything and everything that government has posed an age restriction on except rent a car and collect social security.
Height/Weight - 5'9" 160. Imposing, I know.
Eye Color - blue
Hair Color - brown
(at this point I'm just gonna stop telling the truth because the truth is boring, there will be plenty of time for the truth later)
Can you...
Drive? - I'm licensed to fly prop planes and snowmobiles in the state of Vermont.
Drive a manual? - If i can read it, I can surely drive it. So my answer is no.
Touch your nose with your tongue? - It has always bothered me that this question has been asked with such frequency. Of all the asinine things that people can do, why did this become popular? Why not ask if i can lick my elbow? or flip my eyelids over? or fold my tongue over. NO, I CANNOT TOUCH MY NOSE WITH MY TONGUE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M OKAY WITH IT.
Cook? - I'm still alive, so I must be doing something right.
Dance? - depends on the amount of liquid courage flowing through my system
Sing? - refer to question about dance
Sew? - the Y chromosome precludes me from this ability
Speak another language? - 6, actually.
Have you ever...
Eaten sushi? - does it count if it was cooked?
Been in love? - I once owned a 1987 Suzuki Samuri, closest thing to love I've ever felt. Just kidding, yeah I have.
Skipped school? - I think the fact that I now work for the government instead of the private sector should answer that
Made prank calls? - this question should be changed to "gone through maturity as a boy?"
Done illegal drugs? - oooohhh you almost got me, I work for the prosecution and you want me to admit to doing illicit and illegal substances...nice try. I plead the 5th.
Stolen something worth more than ? - what is worth more than a question mark? I once took a penny from the give-a-penny, take-a-penny thing, technically i guess that's stealing a penny and I'm gonna say that's worth more than a ?, so I guess you got this civil servant to admit to wrongdoing after all, congrats.
Flashed someone? - I went to college for 4 years.
Been drunk? - I went to high school for 4 years, and college for 4 years and am not in a cult.
Eaten squid? - excuse me? This survey sucks, I apologize, but I'm too lazy to get a different one, so you're stuck.
Been to New York City? - I try to avoid it at all costs, which hasn't been working out too well for me recently.
Been to London? - I once tried to invade London, you might've read about it in the news, I was the 4th wheel in the original axis of evil, Latvia. You never saw me coming.
Favorite
Drink - the sweat of the yeti, it sustains me.
Soda - Dr. Rocket, the poor mans Mr. Pibb, which is a poor mans Dr. Pepper
Food - Squid, oh the irony.
Restaurant - anything involving street meat, at least I'm in the right place for that.
Color - I see a red door and I want it painted black.
Artist - INXS
Album - Big Willie Style
Website - mulletsgallore.com
The Last
Person to hit you - My boss, but he said he was sorry.
Person you wanted to hit - My boss, but he's bigger than I am.
Person you hugged - My boss, after he hit me, believe me, the office politics here are insane.
Person you kissed - my b.....onward.
Person you wanted to kiss you - ALF
Country you've been in - the last country I've been in? I'm gonna have to say the USA
Car you've driven - 72 deuce.
Law you've broken - Technically it's against the law for me to waste the governments time by writing these posts while I'm at work... so there's 2 things you can blackmail me for now.
Thing you ate - i had squid for lunch today.
Thing you drank - Fresh outta yeti juice so I had some gypsy tears with my squid
Thing you said - "Hey (ADAs name), at least my QB didn't get the 3 pick 6's yesterday..." (then he hit me, see above)
Book you read - the Urban Center penal code
Show you watched - I watched some guy during a DWI pull over try to walk a line and I'll tell you, it's better than a good 70% of the sitcoms out there.
So that's my survey, now that we're good friends, tomorrow I'll give you some insight into the office, and regale some of the fascinating things people have done to get themselves arrested. I also want this site to serve as a sort of medium for ideas. My job can get incredibly frustrating because I deal almost exclusively with government employees. Naturally these people aren't the sharpest or they'd be earning 3 times their salary in the private sector so I will update you on some of the things that happen there as well as post any stories I deem funny/interesting enough that are sent to me.
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