Introduction

I'll kickoff this whole shebang with a very short introduction, not because I don't fancy myself as an interesting person, but rather because I am lazy. I work for the government, you're going to learn, if you haven't already, that laziness is a fairly common attribute amongst our kind. My name is Paul, and I work for the District Attorney's Office in Urban Center, USA. In order for you to get to know me, I googled "20 question survey" and am posting the first legitimate response (the actual first one dealt specifically with certain types of fauna and my knowledge thereof, which is none)

The Basics

Full Name - Paul

You like it? - It's better than Bilsky, I guess.

Birthdate - March 7, 1984. That makes me legal to anything and everything that government has posed an age restriction on except rent a car and collect social security.

Height/Weight - 5'9" 160. Imposing, I know.

Eye Color - blue

Hair Color - brown
(at this point I'm just gonna stop telling the truth because the truth is boring, there will be plenty of time for the truth later)

Can you...

Drive? - I'm licensed to fly prop planes and snowmobiles in the state of Vermont.

Drive a manual? - If i can read it, I can surely drive it. So my answer is no.

Touch your nose with your tongue? - It has always bothered me that this question has been asked with such frequency. Of all the asinine things that people can do, why did this become popular? Why not ask if i can lick my elbow? or flip my eyelids over? or fold my tongue over. NO, I CANNOT TOUCH MY NOSE WITH MY TONGUE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M OKAY WITH IT.

Cook? - I'm still alive, so I must be doing something right.

Dance? - depends on the amount of liquid courage flowing through my system

Sing? - refer to question about dance

Sew? - the Y chromosome precludes me from this ability

Speak another language? - 6, actually.

Have you ever...

Eaten sushi? - does it count if it was cooked?

Been in love? - I once owned a 1987 Suzuki Samuri, closest thing to love I've ever felt. Just kidding, yeah I have.

Skipped school? - I think the fact that I now work for the government instead of the private sector should answer that

Made prank calls? - this question should be changed to "gone through maturity as a boy?"

Done illegal drugs? - oooohhh you almost got me, I work for the prosecution and you want me to admit to doing illicit and illegal substances...nice try. I plead the 5th.

Stolen something worth more than ? - what is worth more than a question mark? I once took a penny from the give-a-penny, take-a-penny thing, technically i guess that's stealing a penny and I'm gonna say that's worth more than a ?, so I guess you got this civil servant to admit to wrongdoing after all, congrats.

Flashed someone? - I went to college for 4 years.

Been drunk? - I went to high school for 4 years, and college for 4 years and am not in a cult.

Eaten squid? - excuse me? This survey sucks, I apologize, but I'm too lazy to get a different one, so you're stuck.

Been to New York City? - I try to avoid it at all costs, which hasn't been working out too well for me recently.

Been to London? - I once tried to invade London, you might've read about it in the news, I was the 4th wheel in the original axis of evil, Latvia. You never saw me coming.

Favorite

Drink - the sweat of the yeti, it sustains me.

Soda - Dr. Rocket, the poor mans Mr. Pibb, which is a poor mans Dr. Pepper

Food - Squid, oh the irony.

Restaurant - anything involving street meat, at least I'm in the right place for that.

Color - I see a red door and I want it painted black.

Artist - INXS

Album - Big Willie Style

Website - mulletsgallore.com

The Last

Person to hit you - My boss, but he said he was sorry.

Person you wanted to hit - My boss, but he's bigger than I am.

Person you hugged - My boss, after he hit me, believe me, the office politics here are insane.

Person you kissed - my b.....onward.

Person you wanted to kiss you - ALF

Country you've been in - the last country I've been in? I'm gonna have to say the USA

Car you've driven - 72 deuce.

Law you've broken - Technically it's against the law for me to waste the governments time by writing these posts while I'm at work... so there's 2 things you can blackmail me for now.

Thing you ate - i had squid for lunch today.

Thing you drank - Fresh outta yeti juice so I had some gypsy tears with my squid

Thing you said - "Hey (ADAs name), at least my QB didn't get the 3 pick 6's yesterday..." (then he hit me, see above)

Book you read - the Urban Center penal code

Show you watched - I watched some guy during a DWI pull over try to walk a line and I'll tell you, it's better than a good 70% of the sitcoms out there.



So that's my survey, now that we're good friends, tomorrow I'll give you some insight into the office, and regale some of the fascinating things people have done to get themselves arrested. I also want this site to serve as a sort of medium for ideas. My job can get incredibly frustrating because I deal almost exclusively with government employees. Naturally these people aren't the sharpest or they'd be earning 3 times their salary in the private sector so I will update you on some of the things that happen there as well as post any stories I deem funny/interesting enough that are sent to me.