Best of the Week

Here are a few of this week's best ofs:

Best of - Name: Borngod Allah (no...really)

Best of - Ridiculous Case: A defendant was arrested because police officers believed they saw him smoking a marijuana cigar. Apparently he saw the cops coming and threw it in the bushes. He must have hid it pretty well because they couldn't find it. Without it they couldn't compel a drug test. So they did the only thing they could, they arrested him obstruction of a governmental investigation, which is a felony arrest. He has no prior arrests and faces over a year if convicted. I don't know if we're gonna sell this one to a jury, folks.

Best of - Courthouse Experience: There are times in the Courthouse when I simply cannot control myself, I have to comment on something ridiculous or cause a very small scene of some sort. This week I was in the Courthouse getting a Judge to sign an unsealing order and, as usual, I was struck by what 90% of the male defendants come to Court wearing. Usually it's jeans down to the knees, an offensive anti-authority t-shirt that's minimum 6 sizes too big, untied shoes which are also too big, and a baseball cap that looks like it has been cryogenically preserved until they took it out for Court that morning, and a do-rag (doo-rag?) underneath the hat. The best part of this is that there may be over 100 cases called in a calendar call on any given day. I'd say over 60 of these defendants are wearing baseball caps/do-rags/some sort of headgear. The Judge WILL ask you to remove it. Each one. And not once have I ever seen someone hear the Judge to order someone else to take a hat off and remove theirs because they assume it's coming. Every single defendant will assume that it's okay for them to do it, just not for everyone else. Did i forget to mention the jewelry? Male defendants generally sport more flashy jewelry than girls (maybe not more in total volume, but it certainly catches your eye quicker), huge stud earrings, massive gold chains around their necks, you get the idea. (NOTE: These descriptions apply to all races, it isn't just black defendants or Hispanic defendants, its every defendant, for the most part, there are, of course, exceptions to the rule, but they are rare.)

Anyway, now that you have the background, here is the story:

I got the Judge to sign the unsealing order and was heading back to the office. I got on the elevator and a couple guys got on with me. We had 8 floors to travel down. One of the guys was listening to his headphones at a level that would deafen Mick Jagger. Out of his headphones I could very easily make out the beat to that song "Act the Fool". You've probably heard it, it was popular a little while ago, I have no idea why, it's terrible. Fighting the urge to just look at this man and sigh I decided to get some entertainment value from this experience. I tapped his shoulder and he took an earphone out and kinda nodded at me, so I put on my best nerdy white guy voice and said:

"Hi, sorry, excuse me sir, I was just wondering, I mean, I don't really understand, what exactly does it mean to act the fool?"

He looked at me like I had 4 heads. It was at this point that I realized just how stupid this idea was. He was with two of his friends, who all looked like they may or may not be in the Courthouse for some sort of assault. One of them had BK tattooed on his neck, which, at that moment, struck me that it could possibly stand for Bloods Killer. I became worried, but tried not to show it.

"Ackin' da fool is what'll get a [edited for content] smoked, naw'umsayin?"

I could have just let it go there. I could have simply nodded and stood in silence till the elevator hit the ground floor and walked the other way. I could have just ended it. But I didn't.

"I'm afraid that doesn't really explain what it means though." God, I am a fool.

Why does it feel like the elevator is stopping on every floor on the way down? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? Why do I have this urge to do obviously stupid things? I'm wearing a collared shirt with a tie, black pants, and black shoes. I am the epitome of "the Man". I am provoking a man who's already been arrested, and I have no idea what for. I cannot stop myself. I am going to die young.

"Kin ya'll buhlee dis whiteboy don't know what ackin' da fool is? Sumbody 'splain it to him."

I then drew 2 more blank stares. Then it hit me. It was an epiphany, what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. I finally understood, it finally made sense. He had absolutely no idea what that phrase meant, he just knew he had to live his life by it. A wave of calm courage flowed through me. I was on top. I was in charge. I smiled.

"It's cool man" I said, "I don't think anyone really knows what it means. Good song though, right?"

He smiled too. "Yeah it is, whiteboy. Hey man, does you work for legal aid?"

Panic.

I don't know the rules about lying about working for the DA's office. Just then the elevator hit the ground floor. I muttered something as the creaky door opened, and it seemed to satisfy him. He got off, i hung around for a second then walked back to work. I need to learn when to shut the hell up.