The Holiday Party

Last night was our zone's annual holiday party. I am very disappointed to tell you that because you aren't intimately familiar with the players, the happenings will not be nearly as enjoyable as if you were there in person, and knew the participants.

There was an obvious and clear cut highlight of the night. It was the interaction between 2 ADAs, for the sake of clarification we will call ADA #1 Billy and ADA #2 Zane.

Billy is a real loose cannon. Picture a Tasmanian devil in the outback (not a real Tasmanian devil if you've ever been to a zoo and seen what they really look like...which isn't impressive in the least, but rather the cartoon version with the tornadoes and mayhem and destruction of anything nearby), add anabolic steroids, rabies, a sailors vocabulary, and a bald spot. This man could snap at any second, for any reason, and you better pray that you are not unfortunate enough to be in the path when it happens. Billy is one of the more senior felony ADAs and asserts his authority whenever possible. Billy is the kinda guy you want on your side if you were stuck in the final scene of the last samurai, he would totally be leading the charge against the gigantic machine guns with nothing but a katana screaming bloody hell. Only difference, in that fight, safe money is on Billy.

Zane is a different kind of aggressive. Much less macho stereotype but very dominant in his own way. He, also, is incredibly intense and stubborn and refuses to ever back down. He is similar height to Billy but in much better shape, he was in the military, and is much younger. Zane loves to argue, about anything. He is the kind of person that you can bait into an argument anytime you want simply by stating a fact and sitting back:

The sky is blue.

Not always, for instance when it's rainy the sky is gray, and right now it's cloudy outside so the sky is white. To say the sky is blue is wrong because the sky can be a number of colors depending on the weather.

You know the type. We all know someone like this.

Billy and Zane have had little debates before but never any serious animosity. Billy likes to drink. Zane will, but not as often, and is not as easy to talk into.

There we a number of mistakes that Zane has made over the last 20 hours. The first mistake he made was bragging about his drinking prowess. We all knew that Zane wasn't a big of a drinker as a lot of other guys here, but his never ending quest for dominance led him to declare as such anyway. Since he made this declaration publicly, and could not bear the thought of being called out on it, he decided that he had to back it up. So over the course of about 2 hours he tried to have one of every vodka drink the bar could make him. he had a vodka cran, martini, white russian, vodka tonic, vodka soda, and on and on (I wasn't keeping track of the different varieties he was pursuing).

He proceeded to get bombed.

Early.

Well before anyone else.

Zane, then, wanted to talk to everyone, about everything, and reassure them that he was drinking a lot, but he was handling it well, when everyone in the room could see that the contrary was quite true. It's funny, when you hear the phrase "he/she drank till he threw up", the images my mind conjures are wild frat boy parties, or a 90 pound college freshman girl who has no idea how fast alcohol will coarse through her anorexic body. I rarely ever heard about a 30 year old professional drinking to the point of vomiting, especially in public.

And yet, there it was.

The real story, however, is that Zane tossed his cookies (as well as the rest of his lunch, some vodka, and a few coconut shrimp appetizers) onto Billy's Ferragamo (I could look up the correct spelling of this designer's name, but I'm more comfortable with you knowing that I don't know how to spell it) shoes while in the bathroom. Now, in Zane's defense, he was in the bathroom...but that is pretty much where the defense ends. Zane, being in the stall getting ready to hurl, probably had no business poking his head outside the stall and upchucking on the shoes of a man at the urinal. I just cannot see any rationale, justification, or reason for this.

And yet, there it was.

Billy storms out of the bathroom and immediately announces to the entire gathering (roughly 50 people or so, all employees of the District Attorney's Office) that Zane had just puked on his footwear, and additionally expressed his displeasure at such. The powers that be took Zane outside, put him in a cab, and sent him homeward. Billy finished out the night by missing 17 phone calls from the guy he left with the party with because on the way home his buddy stopped to get a hot dog near the subway station and Billy must've just got on a subway, found a couple of 18 year old guys, hung out with them, and then somehow mysteriously ended up back at home. I'm sure his wife was thrilled.

Next morning she made him throw out the shoes, apparently they were destroyed.

There is an unspoken rule in our office, and I'm sure this applies to the majority of offices all over. That rule is: You CANNOT Call In Sick The Day After The Holiday Party. You just cannot. Unless you are on your way to the hospital with a less than 28% chance of survival, you are coming to work. Allowances are made for people to come in a little later than usual, coffee is provided, but attendance is mandatory. Zane called in sick. There are two schools of thought as to why, either one or both could be the reason:

1)He is simply too hungover to be at all functional and decided to stay at home in bed all day.

or

2)He is too scared of Billy to come to work and face him, knowing that the weekend is coming, Billy isn't gonna be in on Monday, Tuesday is Christmas, and one of them is probably off Wednesday also, that will leave pretty much an entire week of cooldown time for Billy.

I personally am on the fence, but leaning towards explanation #2.

By about 10:30 this morning, most of the office had stumbled in, Billy was pacing the office hallway waiting for Zane to get there so he could confront him, and demand Zane to purchase him a new pair of shoes. Billy was then told that Zane had called and left a message at about 8:00 that morning indicating that he was taking a sick day. Billy was furious. He grabbed another ADA's cell phone, took Zane's number, and dialed it. The message left was something like this, the first few lines are word for word, then my memory is a little hazy but the concepts were all there:

"Hey [Zane], you degenerate fuck. You soft-bodied pathetic excuse for a man, who calls out sick the day after the holiday party. You're lucky you're not here. In fact, you're lucky I don't have a car right now, or I'd be on my way to your place right now. You puked on my shoes, and you're going to pay for it. You are buying me a new pair of shoes, and if you try to weasel your way out of this, I will break you. Call me back immediately, on this phone or my phone. I am at [555-555-5555].

Meanwhile, the 7 of us crammed into an office listening to this message being left and struggling so hard not to laugh loud enough that Zane will hear it over the message.

Zane called back in the afternoon and left a message stating: "IF I did what he says I did, I think I can partially compensate Billy". That was it, the entire message. No apology, no contrition, no pleas for mercy. Not even a promise of full recompense. At this point, I think Zane has taken his life into his own hands and we may not have much time on Earth left with him.

I am hoping and praying that this doesn't play out while I'm away from the office for whatever reason. This could be the beginning of a huge rivalry. Trust me, it would better if you knew Billy and Zane well, but suffice it to say that Billy is currently chewing glass shards he's so angry right now. He's actually been to car rental websites to see if he can find a way to get to Zane's apartment. Lunacy. Say what you will, but the life of a government employee is rarely boring.