People You Meet While Working for the Government: #2 The Frump

frump - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fruhmp] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a person who is dowdy, drab, and unattractive.
2. a dull, old-fashioned person.

This definition, shamelessly hijacked from dictionary.com is a mere entrance into what a frump really is. They can have several features which give them their illustrious frump status and, like the spaz, these features can be both mental and physical.

Physically the best way to describe the frump would be...dumpy. They are almost always overweight, whether it's way over or just a bit chubby is irrelevant, but they aren't in good shape. This weight causes them to kinda waddle instead of just walking. Think of a penguin, the way their heads kinda bob when they walk and they shuffle along never really being able to take full steps. Except this isn't cute, this makes you want to avert your eyes but at the same time locks your intention with such an intensity that for 10 seconds or so you can't help but stare directly at it, as though it's a perfect 10 model sunbathing nude. You know you shouldn't look, but you just can't turn away.

Frumps have an element of mystery about them that's hard to unlock. They often have white hair, and are usually middle aged at least, however the ones you see in everyday life (i.e. working for the government) are typically not so advanced in age that you would expect the signs of aging to be so obvious. Their hair is always unkempt also, not quite looking like they just rolled out of bed, but not really looking like anytime was spent on it; a truly paradoxical medium. This semi-bedraggled look combined with their tempered demeanor makes guessing their age nearly impossible as they appear older than they are.

Frumps also seem to always be looking at the ground and function as if they have a constant lack of energy, thus they can be very slow at their job at times. Being in a hurry is a foreign concept and even if someone offered them a million clams to do their normal job faster they would neither have the ability to, nor the desire. They are content to have things exactly the way they are. They see no real reason to change their daily routine even if it would provide some gain. They are not driven by money, but rather by routine. They look forward more to doing the routine than the paycheck that results from it. That is why they flock to government work. They do not excel at jobs where split-second decisions have to be made, or when deadlines approach at lightning speeds. They much prefer to pick up pile A from stack Y, and put it on top of stack Z, about 100 times a day. They enjoy simplicity, the mundane is their playground, and the run-in-the-mill is their safety net.

If you're on the edge about whether or not someone is a frump - maybe they're starting to grey, shuffle bit, look at the ground periodically, and work a slow, boring job - tell a really terrible joke that isn't funny. See if they laugh. If he/she laughs, they are a frump. Frumps have a unique sense of humor, they will laugh at anything. But it's not that jolly Santa Claus laughter, it's always a nervous, anxious kinda chuckle. The kinda laugh that fills that awkward silence in a conversation you really don't wanna be in but for some reason are forced to continue. This is not the laughter of children and angels, rather it is the forced chortle of a person obviously awkward in their own skin attempting, ineffectively, to blend in to a world they cannot understand or diffuse into.

Social acceptance isn't a huge priority for the frump. They don't keep up with the latest fashions. They don't know who Jamie Lynn Spears is or care that she's pregnant. People confuse them, especially in high doses. They can handle things one at a time much better than multiple things at once, multitasking is clearly out of the question. But they are good at processing lines of people without getting frustrated at being asked to do the same thing over and over again.

Frumps can lead relatively normal, albeit usually solitary, lives. They do their job, keep their head down, and don't press for promotions or raises. They just wanna do their job and live their life. Because of this they don't take high pressure jobs, stressful jobs, or competitive jobs. They prefer habitual, repetitive, easy jobs. They are your paper pushers, janitors, cashiers, they work at the DMV, they pump gas, they ring up groceries, you get my drift...

Stay tuned, the holiday season is almost over and that means that there will be influx of cases starting January 3rd, which means thousands of opportunities for people to do hilarious things to get them arrested.