So in my last post I reflected momentarily about my take on the Iowa Caucus. Apparently I wasn't the only one who was interested in this political oddity as we at the DA's office sat around at lunch discussing the implications of said caucus and what our predictions were. Zane (if you don't remember Zane, please see The Holiday Party) is a giant, combative political guru of sorts replete with opinions and predictions and theories and all sorts of information you neither asked for nor are particularly interested in. Naturally Zane and another ADA in the office, we'll call her Jane, squared off. Jane was trying to both end the conversation and get the last word, not possible with Zane, you pretty much need to just concede that he is going to say something after you, whether it's logical or coherent is questionable, but he'll spit something out. To settle the dispute, my perpetually juvenile boss decided to see what would happen if we had our own mini-caucus.
He declared that at 3 pm, the office was to caucus to settle the matter once and for all. This seemed agreeable to everyone as it would give people a diversion in the afternoon for a few minutes. The argument ceased, all was well, and we went back to discussing how excited we all were for the return of American Gladiators on Sunday Night (which was fantastic, by the way).
Around 2 o'clock I realized I had absolutely no idea how the Iowa Caucus was conducted. Rather than look foolish in front of a crowd of all my peers I decided the best thing to do was admit my ignorance and ask my boss for the mechanics. As previously mentioned, my boss is quite puerile at times, so I was a little anxious that there would be some public ridicule involved, but I was prepared to laugh about it. Upon reaching my boss' office, it became instantly clear that I was not the only one who had little to no idea how a caucus was run. I was greeted by 5 or 6 other confused looks and puzzled expressions as I entered the office. I shared that I, too, was oblivious in the ways of the caucus and would like an explanation. It took about 15 seconds for me to tell that my boss had no idea how to caucus either. So we consulted the internet, the arbiter of all truth.
Wikipedia has a nice article on the Iowa Caucus, however, the section on the process is incredibly baffling and impossible to decipher. The best we understood it, the Republicans just get a blank sheet of paper and write down the candidate they want on it, count the votes, apportion delegates accordingly; simple enough. The Democrats (we all participated in both Dems and Reps as we don't have enough people in the office to make it interesting splitting down party lines) stand in a corner of the room designated for a candidate. If that corner didn't garner a meager 15% of the population present, then the candidate was deemed inviable and representatives from other camps could court the supports of inviable candidates and coax to them to their corner with promises of similar minded views and dreams of a unified America. Or, multiple inviable candidate followers could group up in hopes of combining for over 15%, and then just deciding which candidate would get the nod on the delegates.
Naturally, somebody asked how it would work in a room with only 4 corners but more candidates, he was smacked with a ruler and dismissed as a fool. Apparently the only obvious and clear part about caucusing was lost on him. He thought there some significance in 2 walls coming together and didn't understand that corners just made it easy to segregate that area from the other areas. After his public mockery the research continued.
There is another recount after the undecideds/supports of inviable candidates have been re-parcelled out and then each candidate receives some some delegates in the next level of caucusing based on the population of their area in the caucus (there is one per precinct, usually in a high school gym, public library, or some such location) as it relates to the total population of the caucus, and somehow is linked to the statewide population (this is where it all gets hazy).
After about 25 minutes of head scratching and brow furling, we simply gave up and decided that we'd stand where we supported someone and if anyone was deemed inviable their group would be wooed by the rest. All seemed very well and good. But wait, we must have short candidate speeches (I don't know if there is ANY caucus precedent for this, but we were all feeling that nearly-the-weekend high). We drew pulled names out of a hat to see who would speak for who, apparently it's more fun when it's possible you will have to endorse a candidate on the opposite side of the political spectrum as yourself. Unfortunately, I was not lucky enough to pick a candidate, I was just a layman. But Zane did. When I say that I couldn't even focus on anyone else's speech because I was so excited to hear Zane endorse Mike Huckabee, it doesn't do my emotions justice. A Sherman Tank could've been shelling the office and I wouldn'tve noticed, I would've been focusing on the number of seconds before Zane, the lunatic, had to give a speech to support Huckabee, the zealot, who Zane pretty much feels is the anti-Christ. But Zane is the kind of guy who wants to make the game work so we all figured he would try to portray him in the most enticing light possible. Zane, the die-hard agnostic, was about to appeal to man's innate desire for God and God-centered leadership; and we all knew it. I feel kinda bad for other speech-makers. I'm sure they were good and all, but I was on the edge of my seat just waiting for Huckabee.
I won't put his speech in quotes because it isn't word for word, but in sum and substance this was it...
Mike Huckabee is a man who knows how to get things done. He's a man after God's own heart, and a man who will spread God's love and perseverance not only within our country's borders, but also out into the world. This is a man who isn't afraid to make the unpopular decisions, who isn't afraid to take a chance, and isn't afraid to be wrong.
So far nothing exciting to report. But wait...
Mike Huckabee loves you. He loves your children. He loves your wives, your husbands, and your neighbors. He burns with a passion for their well-being and has plans to make sure that they will always be taken care of. From social security to medicare, Huck has the people in mind. The angry mob will criticize his ideas and say he only has the fiscally sound in mind, but this should be dismissed as the ramblings of the uneducated masses, too naive to know what's good for them.
And it begins. Unfortunately speeches were cut to 90 seconds so there's not a whole lot of time to ride this crazy train.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to talk to you today about two things: love and hate. Mike Huckabee loves you, and Mike Huckabee hates terrorists. A vote for Huckabee is a vote to end terrorism and establish peace all over the world. Huckabee has plans to reduce our oil consumption by exploring alternative energy methods and soon we will be completely independent of the Middle East and can deal with them accordingly. I guess we have to talk Iraq strategy. Huck's got one. It's victory, plain and simple. Finish the job and get our boys home, democracy is God's gift to civilization and the people of the world deserve it.
I cannot wait to see what he's gonna pull out for the finale. The best part of the speech thus far is that I cannot determine whether or not he's just joking around and being absurd or if this is a legit Huck endorsement. I really don't know.
Lets finish by discussing domestic policy. Huck has been labeled tough on the poor, they say he wants to cut too much wealth redistribution to the needy. Well Huck doesn't want the good people of the working class to suffer needlessly at the expense of the lazy. So he urges all of you on welfare to re-enter to workforce and become productive members of society. Get a job, give back, you don't need to be a wall street CEO to support your family. You just need that good old fashioned work ethic, we've lost that here in America, the drive to be self-sufficient, we rely on the government to take care of us and some have stopped trying. Well Huck wants you to try, and Huck wants you to succeed. Together, we can make America stronger. Thank you and God bless.
No one said a word. Just silence, not even crickets, they were too aghast also. Did he really just accuse people on welfare of not trying to help themselves and being lazy? I'm fairly certain that nobody thinks that this speech accurately reflects the views of Mike Huckabee and we all know how Zane can get once he gets a chance to stand on a pedestal, still, I really wish I'd had a video camera to capture that speech word for word, because even the gist doesn't do it justice.
Shockingly, Huckabee didn't carry the office. It went to Romney and Edwards. But we all learned a valuable lesson about the Iowa caucus, and Mike Huckabee. And learning is the foundation of knowledge. Thank you and God bless.
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