Internet Company Calls Back: Round 1 (I'm Guessing)

So the internet people have finally returned my call. And what a fun conversation it was.

First off, the woman on the other side of the phone didn't have the grasp of English I was assuming she would. She was clearly of foreign descent, had a heavy accent, and struggled to find words at times. To be honest, this almost made me feel bad about being such a stubborn ass with her. But I had my orders, as I'm sure she did. I'll tell you right now I feel like very little progress was made and I assume one of her superiors is going to be calling me sometime soon and trying to intimidate me with all sorts of legal jargon.

Our conversation wasn't too long, but it was thoroughly frustrating this is how it went:

District Attorney's Office, this is [my name].

Hello Mr. [my name], how are you?

Starts off cordial enough.

I'm fine, how are you?

I'm doing very well, thank you for asking.

*************

Normally, at least when I call people, especially in a business sense, after I initiate the conversation I let the person know why I'm calling, or at the very least who I am. What's that? You too? Really? Well that's a relief. I guess she was giving me the chance to read her mind. I failed.

So...can I help you?

This the legal department for [internet company], I understand you've been had some question about the bill you received?

These aren't spelling or grammar errors on my part, this is what she actually said. Right from here, I knew it was going to be a wild ride.

I actually don't have any questions, I just want you to know that we will not be paying the bill you sent.

Mr. [my name], the bill is for the time spent gathering the information you requested, [internet company] is entitle to some fair compensation for this, don't you think?

Fair compensation? It took some peon 10 seconds to access that info in the database and another 6 seconds to print it. You want fair compensation? How about I send you a money order for 27 cents?

No, I don't. And let's get something straight, we didn't request the information, you were mandated to produce it from Court Order. We are a non-profit governmental organization, we are not going to compensate you for something you did when you didn't have a choice in doing it.

We were what to produce it? Mandarin?

Goodbye conversation, hello foolishness.

Mandated, forced, made to...

Oh. Well according to section [something or other] of Electronic Information Production Act, [internet company] is entitle to compensation for services rendered.

Okay, I clearly have never even heard of this Act, so there's only 1 thing I can do, ignore it and keep to the master plan.

And according to my bosses, we are entitled to receive the things we subpoena without having to dish out funds to everyone who thinks that just because they have to do something they shouldn't have to do it for free. We don't pay hospitals for medical records, we don't pay phone companies for phone records, and we're not going to give you twenty bucks for something you were legally obligated to provide.

Okay Mr. [my name], how about I send rules and regulations in which it state that we have the right to charge for services. You can show this to your boss.

Rules and regulations of what? Tax law in Scokee, IL? Rights of casino gamblers on the Mississippi River? Subsidy wages paid to farmers in Oklahoma? Is there a book of rules and regulations for how to charge me for subpoenad records?

I don't mean any disrespect, but that is a waste of time, miss. Unless you have a Court Ordered Subpoena which forces them to pay, there's no way you're going to get any money. If you care to send a representative from your legal department to the stand before the Judge who issued the subpoena and explain why you think you deserve this money, by all means, we would be happy to attend, but I'm not going to tell my boss to completely change the policy of the District Attorney's Office because you want money for producing information you legally had no alternative but to produce. Do you see where I'm coming from? It's not a question of compensation. It's a question of economics. If we had to shell out money to every organization that we get information from, who all charge their services to others, then we would be bankrupt inside a month, and the whole justice system would collapse. I'm sorry that I'm making your life more difficult, I know you don't wanna deal with an organization who doesn't pay their bills, but in actuality, this bill isn't legitimate.

Sir, we sent the information you requested, and are entitled to compensation for that service.

Complete and utter futility. She didn't hear a thing I just said.

Now, may I please have your mailing address so I can send you rules and regulations?

Pick your battles, Paul, pick your battles.

Ugh, fine, [mailing address]. But how about this, you tell your boss you sent it, take the money you would spend on shipping, and put it towards the bill, depending on how thick it is it may actually cover the whole thing.

She apparently missed the obvious wit and blatant humor I was laying down there.

I don't think my superiors would appreciate me lying to them. And I need submit receipts for everythings mailed.

How about me not appreciating having to listen to you when you clearly aren't going to do what I'm asking for?

If you mail this thing out, will we stop getting bills from you?

No, they will continued be mailed.

And I will continue to beat my head into the wall- I mean explain why we aren't sending you any money.

Well I can promise you that we will continue to not pay.

Okay, I go mail to your office now. Have good day.

That's it?

Uhhhh, you too, miss.

So lets recap: girl speaks passable but not great English, doesn't seem to process anything I said, is desperate to mail this binder to me, HAS to know I'm never going to read it or show it to any of my bosses, we accomplished nothing in our conversation, the DA's office explicitly stated that they intend to continue to not pay the bill, and maybe I'll get a phone call later from someone higher up in their company, preferably with better diction. And all this before lunch.