I'm Sorry, Did I Shoot You A Few Days Back?

One day, much like any other day, a woman was sitting in her apartment in one of the more dicey areas of the city. She hears gunshots, then silence. After waiting a period of time she deemed safe, she walks out into the hallway. She then feels a sting in her arm, hears a blast, and sees a man take off running away. Another person exits their apartment to check out the commotion and tries to calm her down as she realizes she's been shot.

Our good Samaritan calls 911 for her and gets her to a hospital. They didn't find the fleeing gunman.

6 days later, our injured bystander exits her apartment on her way out (work, shopping, yoga class, who knows) when she is approached by a man in a big jacket, covering most of his face. He walks up to her and says:

Excuse me ma'am, I think I may have shot you a few days ago. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry, I meant to shoot someone else.

I have come up with 2 theories to explain this behavior:

1. He preferred the woman to think he was a bad shot over a lunatic random gunman.
2. He genuinely felt bad about shooting this woman.

Upon a further preponderance, I am unable to decide which one is more compelling. Prima Facie, the second explanation is obviously more likely. But do we really expect someone who was content to open fire in the middle of the day in an apartment building hallway to feel remorse for hitting someone unintended? The chances of that happening are pretty good, and although it is the explanation I'm gonna go with, it doesn't sit well with me.

I guess he felt that this short apology should've sufficed because he began to walk away. The woman stood there dumbfounded for a minute, then when she felt like the guy was far enough away to not hear her, she called the cops, and then followed him.

He was subsequently picked up, the gun was recovered that was decided to have released the bullet that struck our victim, and he is now awaiting trial.

I have mixed feelings about this. Well I shouldn't say mixed feelings. I will say that I am really pleasantly surprised that he had the stones to admit what he did to the woman and apologize. I do not feel bad that he got arrested, or that he has very little chance for a plausible defense. It is a shame, however, that more contrite you are in your wrongdoing, the more likely it seems that you will be caught and punished for it. There was virtually no chance of a positive ID on this guy before he came back to say he was sorry, he had gotten away with shooting her, even if she wasn't really the target.

In conclusion, if you aren't an expert marksman, you better not have a conscience if you wanna stay outta the joint.

Interesting Legal Story

This doesn't have anything to do with the DA's office, but it's entertaining nonetheless.

Apparently, the background checkers at UrbanCenterMajorLaw&Firm should all be fired for incompetence. They had a paralegal, much like myself, who had been working there for approximately 5 years, much unlike myself. One day he tells the associates he works for that he's been accepted to law school, he's going to be taking classes at nights. He promises it won't interfere with his work life. He gets congratulations from all associates and a few of the partners who have come to know his name.

A couple months pass and a few associates begin to inquire how law school is going. "Oh, it's tough, but I'm getting through it", the paralegal would always reply. They would swap stories about professors being boring, absurd situational paper topics, and the reclusion of 1L life. The associates kept telling him that the 2L year was better and 3L might actually have some fun mixed in. The paralegal always thanked them for the encouragement.

4 years go by like this (generally going to law school at night takes 4 years vs. the 3 it takes if you go full time). And then in may the paralegal announces that he has graduated, he takes a month of his saved vacation time to study for the bar. He comes back after a month and claims he has taken the bar. After about 3 weeks he comes into work ruefully and admits that he has failed the bar, but plans to take it again in 6 months. After 6 months the same thing happens, he has failed again. He says he will try one more time, and man, that test sure is hard.

Lo, and behold, the third time is the charm, he passes. He comes into work full of life, he tells the associates and partners that he is now an attorney. They act accordingly and start assigning him clients. He performs well beyond any expectations they have for a new attorney, and why not, hes been doing it for 10 years already. He is raking in cash for the firm. Everyone is pleased with the current situation.

But, like all good things, this mutually beneficial relationship had to come to an end. In a single moment of weakness, the paralegal turned promising attorney let it slip to a client he misplaced trust of secrecy to that he had actually made the whole thing up, he had never even applied to law school much less attended, graduated, and passed the bar. I guess maybe he thought the client would be more impressed if he knew his client was this good without ever going to school for it. He didn't get the reaction he was looking for, whatever that was. Instead, he got dimed out to the firms HR department and was called in first thing in the morning.

They began by saying how impressed they were that he was able to accomplish so much without actually going to law school. Then they fired him for practicing law without a license and he now faces misdemeanor charges in criminal court.

My first reaction was How does something like this happen? How can nobody really have noticed that the guy never went to school, had no diploma, didn't really pass the bar, wasn't ever admitted to the bar. But then I thought, I could probably do the exact same thing at my job, and chances are, it would be decades before anyone caught on.

Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't jeopardize my future by pulling a stunt like that, but my hat gets tipped to the guy for keeping the scam going for as long as he did, I wonder if he would've made partner had he just kept his mouth shut. Oh well once he pays his $150 fine, and another $500 to have his B misdemeanor sealed or expunged, he'll probably secure a teaching position at some 3rd tier college and lecture on business ethics with Mike Milkin and Kenneth Lay as special guests.

Justice Takes A Backseat To Football

55% of Male ADAs who have been working here longer than a month called in sick today. Shocker. I guess trials and justice and equity all take a backseat to Heineken minikegs, Amstel Lites, and Tom Brady's recent inability to beat a Manning in the post-season. Congrats to the Giants, I'm not pleased that they won so much as pleased that the Patriots lost. About a month before baseball comes back. Hopefully it'll fly by.

I guess this goes to show that even if you have no vested interest in either team playing the game, you can still use the Superbowl as an excuse to make it a 4-day work week and piss off your wife by acting like a 21 year-old frat boy. I can't wait till the Monday after the Superbowl Sunday becomes a national holiday.

Breast Milk Facial Ges 0-6

Last Thursday was the second night of volleyball for BMF. I think I've just kinda been assimilated onto the team. I was approached to play again and forwarded the schedule so I assume they assume I'm just gonna start coming regularly. We will see what happens. Not too much was memorable about these games except for the level of naivety that has managed somehow to fly under the radar in our office. While sitting on the sideline with a few other subs, I began to notice that one particular girl in the office was making highly inappropriate comments, but not realizing it. I couldn't bring myself to tell her what she was saying would've made a nun faint. Here are some of the highlights (remember, these are mostly in reference to volleyball, mostly)

"Man, they really know how to slam us right in the hole"

"She really seems to like to dive, it's a shame there's no carpet, I'm sure her knees are getting sore"

"Is it my turn to service the ball?"

"I hope I don't get too many balls in my zone"

"Can someone show me what to do so that the ball doesn't hit me in the chin again?"

I was nearly in tears when I heard some of these. I had to turn away on multiple occasions in order to avoid bursting out in laughter right in her face. Poor girl. There may even have been more ear candy, I just didn't catch them. Sadly our technique on the court couldn't match up to the color commentary from the sidelines and we lost another round of 3 games, but with much more flare this time around.

The only notable plays made by our team were the times the females on the floor were so distracted and out of it that they were actually hit with the ball, usually in the face. There were also a few collisions a-la Angels in the Outfield, but nothing to write home about.

Hopes seem to be high for this Thursday's upcoming match, I certainly know where I'll be sitting during it.

Enough Stupidity Already

Let me preface this ensuing rant with the following disclaimer: I have nothing against democrats, liberals, or progressives, or whatever you want to call them by and large, but this specific viewpoint that keeps appearing in the news irritates me to no end, and it's not nearly as prevalent on the right side of the political spectrum. I find many things about the republican or conservative party irritating, and maybe someday I'll spout off about one of them, but today in the news I read two different articles about the pending Presidential election and both of them had one common element that I just can't stand.

Each one contained quotes of voters, in Florida this time though if you look for it you'll see it appears ubiquitously, saying they'll vote for Hillary "Because I feel it's about time for a woman President", or similarly for Obama "Because I feel it's about time for an African-American President". If this is your reasoning, please do us all a favor and unregister yourself before November.

I have no problem with anyone voting for Hillary or Barack, but I want that person to vote for them because they feel that this person is the most qualified to run the country, not because they're a specific minority. I'd ask that woman voting for Hillary because she's a woman if she would vote for Ann Coulter for the same reason? Or the man voting for Obama if he'd support Abu Jamal if he ran? Come on people, put a modicum of thought into your choices. If you support nationalized healthcare and education, by all means cast your vote for Hillary. This is the nature of democracy. If I thought that a transvestite, web-footed, albino Aleutian had the best ideas to solve America's problems and had the drive and integrity to work for those goals, I'd vote for...it. To say that you're voting for someone on the basis of anything other than their ability, your identification with their ideals, and your belief that they are best suited to run the country is a complete affront to our entire political system.

If Colin Powell had run, I probably would've voted for him. But not because I think it's high time we had an African-American man running the White House, I think he was a great candidate to lead the country. Race and gender should have no basis in whether your support a candidate. If because Hillary is a woman, shes more sensitive (which is a dubious position to take at best) then you can support her for her sensitivity, not for her womanhood.

Maybe the Republican party doesn't have this issue because they're all still living in the distant past where woman and minorities couldn't vote. Maybe they fear change, progress, and upsetting the status quo. That could very easily be true, and is a problem in and of itself. But that'll have to be a rant for another day.

Bottom line: please vote. But also please think about the candidate you are voting for and make sure you are voting for them because you believe in them, you're buying what they're selling, you think they are the person to put America back on track, not just because they're woman, an African-American, or even a Caucasian male, I guess it does go both ways.

The First Annual Red Zone Ink-Off

If you've kept up with this blog at all you know that one of the recurring characters, Billy, is a madman. He is truly insane. And what's worse, he's a father. He has a young son. We all fear for the child.

In my boss' office, 6 people were sitting there waiting to conference cases and/or conduct business of some kind.

Billy barges in guns blazing wanting to talk about how he's going to play a practical joke on his wife by inviting her out to a really nice dinner, having her meet him there after work, and then having his gardener go meet her instead dressed up in his clothing and act as though he's there to take her to dinner and it's not strange at all. Seriously, this is what goes on in his head.

My boss responds "That's almost as good of an idea as your pee-wee coaching attempt. And by attempt, I mean fiasco."

To which he snapped back "Dude. Whatever. I would've been a great pee-wee coach, it's such bullshit that they wouldn't let me do it."

"Billy, at the time you applied you had no children, who in their right might would trust you with a group of 6 year olds when you don't have any kids of your own. Do you even listen to yourself?"

"But dude, now that I have a kid, it's only a matter of time. Soon they'll have no choice but to let me coach. Or at least be an offensive coordinator or something."

My boss should've just let it die there, but instead he had to poke Billy a little more, "Getting by the fact that pee-wee football leagues don't have coordinators because the kids are 6 years old, you're still an idiot, and I wouldn't let you coach my kid if it meant I had to move to Albany. You're totally gonna be the guy who shaves lightning bolts into his kid's hair. Probably a bolt in one side and your initials in the other, not even his initials, yours."

"Dude, did someone tell you about my lightning-bolt?"

"Billy, what are you talking about?"

"I have a lightning bolt on my back."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do, and there weren't girls in the room, I'd prove it to you."

If the ladies in the room weren't egregiously uncomfortable yet, the mental imagery of Billy shirtless surely put them over the edge.

At this point, most of the people in the office decided their questions could wait and they'd come back later. In the end it was just me, Billy, and my boss, all kinda unsure of what to do next. I prayed my boss would change the subject before Billy did something I knew we would all regret.

Too late.

He didn't strip, but he did the next worse thing. He looked into the hallway, saw another male ADA and drug him in. He said that as a neutral 3rd party observer he was going to bear witness to the fact that he had a lightning bolt on his back, because everybody doubted it. Since we doubted, it was decided that we were not to be shown said lightning bolt. At this point I was wondering just what could lead to a lightning bolt besides a tattoo: a birthmark? a very odd surgical scar? his wife's fingernails from the previous night? a shaved pattern in his back hair?

While I was mulling this over, Billy ran into the hallway and then bolted back in. The room next to my boss', which belongs to a different female supervisor, was empty and he asked where she was. My boss told her she was in court overseeing one of the misdemeanor ADAs who is on trial today. So Billy took the poor other guy into that room and closed the door. Immediately my boss grabbed his phone with a sheepish grim and feverishly dialed. When the phone was answered he told the voice on the other end that she had an emergency telephone call in her office and to go there immediately. He looks at me and says "She's in the conference room down the hall, this should be hilarious." I work with deviants.

Luckily for all parties involved the 2 men returned to my boss' office before the female supervisor returned to her office, but it was announced that Billy did, in fact, have a lightning bolt tattooed on his shoulder.

He has spent the rest of the afternoon claiming that he is the winner of the first annual red zone ink-off, and he challanges anyone to ink up more than him. Not. To. Be. Believed.

Another Defendant Inadvertently Turns Himself In

Here are the players in today's game:

Defendant - herein referred to as "deft"
Traumatized Child - herein referred to as "TC"
Complaining Witness (mother of TC) - herein referred to as "CW"
Arresting Police Office - herein referred to as "AO"

The scene: TC is playing on the swings in a park. CW is sitting on a bench casually glancing over at TC to make sure she's staying within eyesight, gossiping with the other mommies and nannies at the park. The sun is shining, birds are quietly chirping, the world is as it should be.

Enter: our deft.

Deft decides that he needs to get his jollys off by exposing his family jewels to TC. TC naturally freaks the hell out and runs back to CW screaming and crying. CW immediately (and quite fearlessly) confronts deft and engages in a verbal argument. Instead of denying anything, our deft pulls out a pocket knife and threatens the CW.

In a moment of what must've been an adrenaline fueled blackout, our heroic CW slaps the sneer right off our deft's face, while he was still brandishing his weapon, puny as it may have been.

The deft must've taken a pretty hard slap to the face because he immediately left the park and searched out the nearest police officer, our AO, and complained that he had been assaulted by the CW. After days and days of tedious detail oriented police work, the AO was able to ascertain that the incident started when the deft exposed his cash and prizes to our poor TC, who had no problem picking him out of the crowd at the park as well as a lineup at the precinct.

One has to wonder if the CW would've notified the authorities about the deft had he just left and run away. The world may never know.