The First Annual Red Zone Ink-Off

If you've kept up with this blog at all you know that one of the recurring characters, Billy, is a madman. He is truly insane. And what's worse, he's a father. He has a young son. We all fear for the child.

In my boss' office, 6 people were sitting there waiting to conference cases and/or conduct business of some kind.

Billy barges in guns blazing wanting to talk about how he's going to play a practical joke on his wife by inviting her out to a really nice dinner, having her meet him there after work, and then having his gardener go meet her instead dressed up in his clothing and act as though he's there to take her to dinner and it's not strange at all. Seriously, this is what goes on in his head.

My boss responds "That's almost as good of an idea as your pee-wee coaching attempt. And by attempt, I mean fiasco."

To which he snapped back "Dude. Whatever. I would've been a great pee-wee coach, it's such bullshit that they wouldn't let me do it."

"Billy, at the time you applied you had no children, who in their right might would trust you with a group of 6 year olds when you don't have any kids of your own. Do you even listen to yourself?"

"But dude, now that I have a kid, it's only a matter of time. Soon they'll have no choice but to let me coach. Or at least be an offensive coordinator or something."

My boss should've just let it die there, but instead he had to poke Billy a little more, "Getting by the fact that pee-wee football leagues don't have coordinators because the kids are 6 years old, you're still an idiot, and I wouldn't let you coach my kid if it meant I had to move to Albany. You're totally gonna be the guy who shaves lightning bolts into his kid's hair. Probably a bolt in one side and your initials in the other, not even his initials, yours."

"Dude, did someone tell you about my lightning-bolt?"

"Billy, what are you talking about?"

"I have a lightning bolt on my back."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do, and there weren't girls in the room, I'd prove it to you."

If the ladies in the room weren't egregiously uncomfortable yet, the mental imagery of Billy shirtless surely put them over the edge.

At this point, most of the people in the office decided their questions could wait and they'd come back later. In the end it was just me, Billy, and my boss, all kinda unsure of what to do next. I prayed my boss would change the subject before Billy did something I knew we would all regret.

Too late.

He didn't strip, but he did the next worse thing. He looked into the hallway, saw another male ADA and drug him in. He said that as a neutral 3rd party observer he was going to bear witness to the fact that he had a lightning bolt on his back, because everybody doubted it. Since we doubted, it was decided that we were not to be shown said lightning bolt. At this point I was wondering just what could lead to a lightning bolt besides a tattoo: a birthmark? a very odd surgical scar? his wife's fingernails from the previous night? a shaved pattern in his back hair?

While I was mulling this over, Billy ran into the hallway and then bolted back in. The room next to my boss', which belongs to a different female supervisor, was empty and he asked where she was. My boss told her she was in court overseeing one of the misdemeanor ADAs who is on trial today. So Billy took the poor other guy into that room and closed the door. Immediately my boss grabbed his phone with a sheepish grim and feverishly dialed. When the phone was answered he told the voice on the other end that she had an emergency telephone call in her office and to go there immediately. He looks at me and says "She's in the conference room down the hall, this should be hilarious." I work with deviants.

Luckily for all parties involved the 2 men returned to my boss' office before the female supervisor returned to her office, but it was announced that Billy did, in fact, have a lightning bolt tattooed on his shoulder.

He has spent the rest of the afternoon claiming that he is the winner of the first annual red zone ink-off, and he challanges anyone to ink up more than him. Not. To. Be. Believed.